As I sit and reflect on this past year (and what a wild ride it has been), I am humbled to my bones. Schooled once again by the lessons it handed me. The untruths unraveled, the falling downs + the getting ups. If there's anything I'm learning from this intricate practice, it's that once we really choose to look, we will inevitably be brought closer and closer to who we truly are. Which, wow- what a liberating process as you begin to peel back the thick layers of belief and story that have kept you bound. AND what a terrifying moment when you see yourself as a composition of the experiences you've had, and realize that your emotional responses have created this entire trajectory of your life. That what you have been told or taught has ultimately shaped your reality. That you are the master of your entire creation. You created it all. And now it's coming undone. You see for the first time that you aren't the experiences that have shaped you, and that there's simply no formula, no set roadmap for this life. No one navigating other than you. And what arises in this unraveling? (Other than "holy shit, what does it all mean?!").
A deep urge to know this force that is so palpable and potent. This tiny whispering voice that has been trying to speak to you for years, muffled by the noise of heavy programming and "should". It's the One. The intuition. The voice guided by your highest will. Your brightest light. God. Whatever you want to call it. It wants so badly for you to get to know yourself so that you can really align with what you're here to do.
This process can be painful. Oh so painful. As it calls us to lean into all the times our hearts have been tainted and bruised. It causes us to collide with everything we thought we once knew + leaves us questioning everything. Who am I? What beliefs are mine and true? What do I really care about? What needs to be revealed in me? What is asking to be released inside of me?
When we choose to heal, We are choosing to deconstruct our old, outdated systems of belief and replace them with new, upgraded hardware–creating a shiny, clear, more honest and integrated version of who we are. It's like a deep plunge head first into the shadowy corners of our emotional basements. A glimpse into our closets and storage units, all full with old experiences that have shaped our very architecture. The thoughts that we think, the choices we make, the beliefs that we hold to + amount of worth we place upon ourselves all seem to be dictated by what has shaped us. By what we have been told. By that time when we were five and felt dismissed on the playground. We've felt hurt, embarrassed, or perhaps left behind. We categorize each one of these experiences into "good, bad, right or wrong" and then hit record so that we may recognize when this feeling arises again. We then apply the proper responses to future scenarios in order to always keep us "safe" and free from our perception of harm. This is why when that person or situation comes along and pushes a button, it activates a pattern living deep within our unconscious mind to keep us in a state of survival + protection.
The problem with this is that we use these patterns to self sabotage, or push away experiences that will actually bring forward joy + expansion if we have the courage to lean into our resistance. We choose to intellectualize, or draw upon conclusions from our experience rather than FEEL the emotion it has produced + let it pass. We forget that our value at birth is infinite + that what has happened to us does not actually define us at all. We need not hold on so tight.
When we feel it, we can heal it--restoring our hearts + keeping us open to the possibilities that await us. Our deepest fears are actually always uncovering what it is that we truly desire deep within us. Everything is happening in sweet polarity. We need to know these dark corners to clear out and uncover the light within.
What needs to heal?